Rant and…Rant

Gripes about the holiday season.


Art by Molly Chapin

My family is gathered around the television in my living room, deciding what holiday movie to watch as the rain pours against our windows. Our choice: The Polar Express. There is nothing at all wrong with the plot of this movie, and the decision to cast Tom Hanks in six different voice-acting roles for one film was a brilliant one. But the animation. The awful sight of children and elves animated to appear as life-like as possible is now permanently emblazoned in the back of my eyes. Who would taint this beautiful story with such a hideous attempt at human life with absolutely no stylistic features? The bold and the arrogant. Even worse still were the endless roars of laughter that erupted from my sister’s and my mouths in response to the awkwardly-placed jokes, accompanied by the still-atrocious sight of the characters’ eyes lying entirely flat in their heads. -AH


Cranberry sauce is the perfect way to ruin your entire meal. It is so bad that multiple studies have confirmed it as the worst Thanksgiving food of them all. It has no place at the dinner table, and it doesn’t belong with desert either. It’s this mixture between sweet, savory, and tart flavors that somehow manages to taste like none of these—the flavor of cranberry sauce is somewhere between raw sewage and poison. When your grandma makes it, cranberry sauce is a sludgey red paste that nobody wants to eat. The alternative is canned cranberry sauce, which looks like Jell-O but tastes like watery vomit. The one advantage of the canned variety, however, is that nobody feels sorry for grandma when it remains uneaten after Thanksgiving day. -ML

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