The Garfield Messenger

Written in the Stars

Horoscopes, Messenger Style.

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Ever wish you could just see into the future? Well, we can. And that’s why the Garfield Messenger has taken it upon ourselves to consult the stars and decode your next nine months of school. Find your sign below and see what the cosmos have in store for you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Ah, yes, the scales of the Libra! Truth and law! Fairness and impartiality! Justice and… math? From what the stars are telling me, the next nine months will leave you restless with algebraic equations, square roots, and Ti-83 calculators. Say goodbye to parties and homework-free nights, for it looks as if the equation for your social life equals zero.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Seeing as the dates of the Scorpio lie perfecting in the season of pumpkin spice, warm sweaters, and all the other lovely trends that arrive with the fall season, I am predicting a calm and cozy year with copious amounts of coffee drinks and scented candles.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Seeing that I myself fall into the lovely months that are Sagittarius birthdays (December 7th, anyone?) I sense the stars may be a little biased. That being said, prepare yourself with a rigorous course load until the end of the semester. However, this storm of essays and textbook reading won’t last long, you will find shelter in the calm months of January through June. Now get that work done!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

The start of the new year will bring about some bad news, I’m afraid. Stress may get the best of you at certain points this year, but you will soon find a harmonious balance between work and play. Make a point of helping out your Libra friends with their geometry.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Why alas, my fishy friends, this year will be good to you! Take advantage of the — wait, aquarius aren’t the fish? What in God’s name is a water bearer? This is awkward.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

There we go! Now, like I was saying, take advantage of the numerous opportunities that will be available to you this year. From the extra (ahem, additional) credit opportunities you may receive to a promotion in work or responsibilities, take your newfound power and run with it!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Use your courageous spirit and apply it to both your school and social life. Challenge your perceptions of those around you and perhaps you’ll find yourself with some new friends. Go bungee jumping. Eat a cockroach. I don’t care.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Take this year to focus on yourself. Put yourself first and eliminate the people and things that cause you stress or pain and pretty soon, you’ll be good as new! Toxic friend? Drop ‘em! Hard class? Drop it! In fact, just abandon school altogether. A warm bed is much comfier than a plastic classroom chair.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

So, the Gemini’s sign animal is a snake… Interesting…

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Just like the months of the June and July, expect this year to be hot, hot, hot! From your grades to your perhaps newfound love of five-star Thai food, everything in your life will be ramped up a notch or two. Find some steamy romance in the innocence of passing notes or hallway hangout sessions (just keep it PG).

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Ah, Leos. Unlike your Cancer neighbors, expect this year to be cold, cold, cold. From assigned seating next to the chilly window in class to an unexpected cold shoulder from friends or lovers, know this year won’t be easy for you. But don’t lose hope! Remember, watched ice never melts.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Your analysis skills will help you immensely this year. Whether you’re taking a dreaded SAT exam or just writing an essay for some book you didn’t even read in Language Arts, always stand by the old saying: fake it ‘til you make it. And you, Virgos, will have a lot of faking to do.

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Written in the Stars