Dear Dawgs,

About a week ago I was walking to school and when I was halfway there I realized that I had forgotten to eat my breakfast. It was either turning around and walking a WHOLE 10 minutes back to my house AND being late to first period or eating the perfectly edible slugs on the ground around the school. Lowkey they were tasty and now I can’t stop. The slimy texture as they slip down my throat is just too irresistible. Yuuuum! But, now I have a different problem. My best friend has started calling me Slug Sucker and it really hurts my feelings. Please help.

Concerned,

Eager Eater

Dear Slug Sucker,

Your friend is clearly immature and has no respect for you nor your complex palate. I recommend framing him for a federal crime so that he can get a taste of his own medicine. Break into his house and leave behind two or three dead bodies. Make sure they’re fresh so the authorities suspect him as the murderer. When he’s arrested and sent to federal prison, mail him dead slugs bi-weekly so he knows that it was you who framed him. Maybe he will even come to enjoy them as he forever reflects on what he did to you.

Sincerely,

Dawgs

Dear Dawgs,

I have an extremely large mole on the bottom of my foot and I feel like it’s overshadowing my entire image. Whenever I meet a new person I get incredibly self conscious. I feel like everyone I meet knows it’s there. Even worse, it’s growing. I followed my mom’s advice and tried sawing it off but it just grew bigger. I think if I don’t do something soon it will be larger than my pinky toe, and then, my big toe. Please save my life.

Sorrowly,

Mole Man

Dear Mole Man,

Do not fret! The quickest and best way for removal is through the application of heat. Pre-heat your oven to 500 degrees fahrenheit while you let your foot rest. When the oven is ready, put the foot in for 30 minutes until the internal temperature reaches around 200 degrees. Then turn the temperature back down to 300 degrees and wait until a deep golden brown crust encompasses your foot. After letting your foot cool, chop off the mole and dice it carefully as you slowly add it to a bowl of mashed up avocados. This will yield an impeccable guacamole which can be served alongside your medium rare foot. As you happily chomp away, take solace in the fact that you will never have to be self conscious about your image again.

Truly,

Dawgs