Dear Dawgs,
I have severe separation anxiety, and I cannot possibly leave my pet parrot, Pedro, at home. Believe me, I’ve tried, but something about those defeated squawks as I step out the door fills me with a type of sadness I can’t seem to ignore. Therefore, I’ve come to the decision that Pedro needs to come with me. However, I’ve run into a problem: where is he going to stay? I’ve asked Mr. Nomura, but he’s reached full bird capacity. I’m totally lost!
Worriedly,
Flock My Life
Dear Flock My Life,
First of all, we totally get you. We had the same issue with our class frog, Fredrick, a few weeks ago. While his story ended rather distastefully, we at the Messenger are determined to keep you and Pedro from separation. Here’s what we’ve gathered:
- Make your locker as bird friendly as possible. As you wait for Mr. Nomura to find space for your bird, he’ll need a temporary home. We suggest blankets and padding around the locker to make it as comfortable as possible. Maybe even keep a little bowl of bird seed too – you’ll never know when the munchies hit!
- Always keep a boombox outside your locker to combat the sounds of crunchin’ coming from your locker. We recommend Thick of It by KSI on loop at 110% volume. No one will ever know you’re hiding a parrot if they’re busy vibing out.
- Lastly, we implore you to start gathering students to fight for a ten-minute passing period. You’re going to need more than five measly minutes to check in with Pedro. A small school-wide riot should do the trick.
With these tips, there is no way you’ll get caught with your bird on campus.
Nest wishes,
Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
I love cheese. Like intensely. Regardless of whether it’s Beecher’s, Tillamook, or Babybel, I can’t get enough! I’ve even caught myself taking a few extra string cheeses at the salad bar during lunch. It’s severely hurting my relationships, but I can’t stop. What should I do?
Cheesily,
Brie Larson
Dear Brie Larson,
Ever heard of a trigger warning? Our graphics editor, Dahlia, just spent all of lunch crying in Z’s room at the mere mention of Beecher’s before reverting back to her heinous cheese eating ways. Honestly, there’s not much you can really do about your problem, so just embrace it. Start the first Garfield Cheese Club, since you’re so determined to drag others down with you. I now know of at least one person who would join. And quit stealing from the string cheese supply. We can see you, and honestly, it’s making everyone uncomfortable.
With curdled judgement,
Dawgs
