Dear Dawgs,

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? In the universal sense, I mean. I’m beginning to wonder if I was adopted… but every time I bring it up to my parents, they deny it. All of my friends were born at Swedish or Harborview, but I was born out of state—a hospital in the desert with “fifty one” in the name. I can’t help but look at my green-skinned, bulbous-eyed reflection in the mirror and feel like I don’t belong here. And, sometimes I feel a strong urge to destroy every ounce of life on this planet—idk though, that seems like a lot of work lol. Do you have any advice on how to seem like less of an outsider?

All the best, 

Ali Engirl

Dear Ali,

I totally get what you mean. Being Irish can make you feel alienated from the rest of the world. It’s very normal to feel the way you do about your identity. There are little things you can do to start making yourself more presentable, like removing potatoes from your diet—but unfortunately, we can’t change who we are. The only thing we can do is lie about who we are, and that takes time to fabricate.

P.S, you were great in “The Banshees of Inisherin.”

Sincerely,

Dawgs

Dear Dawgs,

I’m just gonna be transparent out of the gate: I’m a baby. Whew, feels good to get that off my onesie. You know, a lot of people will go distant when I reveal my identity—I hope you’ll consider looking past my differences and allow us to have a civilized conversation. Anyway, it sucks being a baby. No one gets it, because no one can remember what it was like to be a baby. The biggest drawback though is not being able to talk. I’ve tried to change the pitch of my cries to signal what I want from my parents—my binky, a nap, a swaddle—to them it all sounds the same. Communication struggles aside, I am writing to inquire about the removal of an invasive pest that is ruining our home and my life, my brother Andy. How can I go about extermination measures?

Thanks,

Baby

Dear Baby,

Thank you for reaching out. It’s my first time speaking with a baby, so forgive me if I overstep. I really sympathize with your challenges. I too struggle to have civilized conversations with my peers. Although I’m an only child, I know that having siblings is difficult to navigate—have you tried alternative measures such as pooping on Andy’s belongings or crying at specific intervals during the night to disrupt his sleeping patterns?

Sincerely,

Dawgs