Garfield has faced its fair share of turmoil over the years: mysterious bomb threats, roof rescues from the fire department, and all the teachers who bike wearing spandex. However, the student body collectively agrees that yesterday’s unfathomable event will go down as the most shocking to ever occur in Garfield’s history. “I’m absolutely horrified by this situation,” a Garfield student said, expressing consternation. “How could this happen??” Indeed, the entire Garfield community was caught completely off guard and flat-footed despite routine drills and perennial rhetoric designed to prevent this very situation. “To be honest, I literally shat my pants,” one junior said, preferring to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. 

Students, faculty, and staff alike are finding it challenging to even comprehend the gravity of what they have witnessed. “I’m seriously, like, beyond words right now…like, I can’t even begin to articulate how completely and utterly speechless I am. It’s like my brain is on overload trying to process everything, but all I can manage to do is just stand here in total shock. My verbal acumen has abandoned ship, leaving me drowning in a sea of disbelief. It’s like every thought I had just vanished into thin air, leaving me in this weird, surreal silence where words fail me completely. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m like, super duper, unbelievably, mind-blowingly speechless right now,” sophomore Sydney Sweenfeld said succinctly. “I can’t believe it. This is just so unreal.”

“I wouldn’t go as far as to say that this has become a global issue, but it’s definitely now a national one,” Leonardo Dicapriello shared. “I never thought I’d say this, but I wish we were back in pandemic lockdown. This wouldn’t have happened with a mask mandate and social distancing.” 

Unlike Dicapriello and Sweenfeld, a large number of people in the community felt that it was far too soon to even articulate their feelings on the situation. “I plead the fifth,” one student said with his face buried in an Ezell’s to-go bag. When asked her thoughts on the scenario, freshman Taylor Schmitz said, “Double it and pass it on to the next person.” Like Schmitz, many students want nothing to do with the drama, saying they “can’t comment on rumors.” Others, however, are excited by potential rumor circulation. “WHERE IS GARFIELD GOSSIP GIRL WHEN YOU NEED HER!” Mr. Truax enthused 

William Smitten has already visited with his primary care physician and received a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. He will be taking a leave of absence from school, and mentioned that he’s unsure whether he will ever return. “I’m dropping out and moving to Idaho,” Smitten said. “I’m going to become a farmer.” 

“Garfield’s reputation has plummeted and I don’t know how it’s ever going to recover,” Junior and president of Garfield’s pet rock club Kimberly Karcrashing complained. To cope, she “cried in the bathroom the whole school day… and then started vaping.” Some, on the other hand, like Jackolantern Chan, say they’re “going to start living in the Garfield basement because, at this point, anything is better than facing the public and sharing that you went to Garfield High School.” 

When confronted about their involvement, freshman Olivelover Rodrigo just stared blankly at a beige colored wall groaning, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” for an hour straight. 

Even Math Olympiad gold medalist Samesies L Johnson “[hasn’t] been able to focus on [their] Soak-a-toe-ahs.” Johnson isn’t an isolated case. Student’s Source pages have become riddled with red and orange. Garfield staff is concerned that, as a direct result of what happened, over half of this year’s seniors might not graduate in June. “Homework is pointless now, man,” super senior Simu Lemur said, skateboard in hand as he trudged out the side door halfway through first period.

Contrastingly, there have been some select students with surprisingly positive reactions to yesterday’s catastrophe. “At least now I have something to write my college essays on,” Nelson Nerdalert said with a smile as he pushed the bridge of his glasses farther up his proboscis. “Princeton, here I come! Go Tigers!!”