Breaking Fake News


Candles Banned at Garfield

After an incident this past October, Garfield plans to ban candles on campus starting April 10th. ”I am terrified of candles after that!” a student said. Students fear these objects and they have caused huge chaos in the school halls.

70% of AP Biology Students Drop the Class

After most recent test scores came out a majority of students taking AP Biology make a shocking move and drop out of the class ¾ of the way through the year. “I knew if I had to do one more POGIL I was going to lose it” a Garfield student said.

The New Purple and White

In order to prevent any incidents this year Garfield is going to make some changes to Purple and White. At Garfield’s entrance there will be drug-sniffing bulldogs to check student’s bags. “They may be cute, but they are ready to pounce at any given moment,” officials warn. Teachers will be using breathalyzers at the gym doors and they are more than ready to catch any nefarious activity. The school even splurged this year and got all the students rides to Seward Park, in police cars! “This will be the best Purple and White yet,” a teacher said.

No More Summer

The final day of school is pushed back once again! Garfield’s last day is now September 10th. Bummer for the bulldogs they will have to manage double schedules— a whopping 12 classes! No summer break and combined school years students prepare for the long stretch.

SAAS Pities Garfield

With new budget cuts challenging the school district, the future of Garfield High School is on shaky ground. Not to worry though, Seattle Academy is swooping in to save the day. According to SAAS, they strive for their students to “contribute boldly to a changing world”. Safe to say, they are definitely living up to that commitment. SAAS is charitably offering $300,000, which is bound to make a huge difference. Part of that money will be allotted towards repairs in the boys’ bathrooms– soon enough they’ll be able to last longer than a week without being shut down. The rest of the funds will be used to hire motivational speakers who can do cool party tricks, an investment that’s sure to be proven valuable during this time of terrible distress. “Seeing them have a hard time made me really emotional, I can’t imagine what it’s like”, a SAAS student says, getting ready to take off on their senior trip to Yukon, Alaska. Thanks to their generous donation, Garfield can confidently survive at least another day. “It’s not a whole lot, but I hope it’ll help. They really looked like they were struggling”, says another SAAS student. Cardinal and Bulldog solidarity!