The Garfield Messenger

Bathroom Juulers

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Characterized by a herd of jittery sophomores sporting Bape hoodies and a strong odor of Mango, Mint, or Cucumber, a wild pack of bathroom juulers can be easily identified.  Yet this new phenomenon is anything but innocent.  Urgent bathroom-goers can expect to be delayed by hoards of vaping underclassmen—often as many as ten—blocking access to the urinals and stalls.

The vape of choice is the Juul, a small, insidious device which, when combined with a fruit flavored cartridge, allows users to inhale clouds of vapor which disappear into the air after several seconds.  Experienced users may perform tricks with their device, from balancing it on their nose to drinking small quantities of the vape fluid.  For some, the Juul offers a reasonable alternative to the use of cigarettes but to others, it represents something much, much darker.

This plague on our carefully maintained restrooms presents many hidden challenges.  Participants are likely to be unresponsive to verbal requests for passage, generally a result of a singular focus on vapor maximization.  Moreover, intake of secondhand Juul mist is unavoidable, particularly in the poorly ventilated second and third-floor bathrooms.  So what should one do when halted by a pack of bathroom juulers en route to the stall?

1. The Impersonation

One of the most popular methods of breaking up a pack of bathroom juulers is by impersonating a staff member.  As you enter a bathroom that you suspect of being compromised, loudly jingle a set of keys to replicate the sound of Mr. Howard’s staff keychain.  The results will be instantaneous.  Suspected vapers will hastily flee, leaving the restroom free for your use.

2. The Howl

A second option to get the attention of bathroom juulers is The Howl.  Although vapists are often found with “Juul fever”—a state of stupor or temporary, Juul-induced paralysis—a ferocious battlecry can often return them to reality.  In this short-lived revival, Juulers may become more responsive to verbal requests.  Unfortunately, this method is not juuler specific and may strike fear in the hearts of honest bathroom dwellers as well.

3. The Double Agent

Despite heightened risk, ambitious bathroom-goers might try this next-level tactic to gain access to the facilities. When entering the restroom, maintain a posture of apathy and confusion.  Produce a device that resembles a vape (often a thumb drive or eraser will do the trick) and slowly make your way towards the stall. In the likely case that one or more vapers attempts to enter the stall with you for some private vaping defer to option 2.

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Bathroom Juulers