America’s pastime has long featured its signature four infielders (excluding the catcher), but many of the younger generation’s fans argue that the sport has become stale. MLB’s solution to this problem is simple; They are adding a new position. The fifth baseman is an extra player that can be chosen from a random pool of drunk fans. Each team can activate their fifth baseman for one inning per game, and he is placed in the rightmost corner of the field. Upon a hit, the fifth baseman rabidly chases down any baserunners, and if a successful tackle occurs, the runner is out. To be eligible for fifth basemanhood, fans must take a breathalyzer test and blow above a 0.2. Once achieved, the fan enters a lottery to be chosen by their preferred team. This, along with an increase in beer salesmen in the crowd, is also intended to bring in more revenue for the drowning hippopotamus that is Major League Baseball.
Unsurprisingly, the fifth baseman has garnered most of its negative attention from Baseball’s “Old head” fans. One longtime Mariner’s season ticket holder recently cancelled his payments, reasoning that “the game was supposed to be boring; the action is what happens in between each pitch.” The rule has also received pushback from the MLB Player’s Union, with an anonymous player stating “I think it’s bad for the sport. I mean, I got tackled by my ex-girlfriend when they were testing the rule in spring training.” Luckily for this player specifically, he wasn’t going to get playing time anyways. Among the fifth baseman’s few supporters are mostly middle-aged husbands, with one man remarking “My wife always gets mad at me for drinking too much at games. The fifth baseman finally gives me a reason to let loose.”