Every other week, the looming doom day arrives. Messenger distribution. The terrifying day where rando students shove papers in your hands possibly causing paper cuts or worse. Here I will do you all the honor of previewing some top tier fool and proof tips on how to avoid contracting the case of the messenger. Swiftly avoiding the messengers of The Messenger.
Firstly, I think it would go without saying: Get in the weight room. Train like your life depends on it if not carried correctly things could escalate: you can never be too careful. Don’t forget to sneak in an hour of weight training each day leading up to distribution day. Consume 10 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight daily and 20 grams of creatine per day.
Once the day actually arrives here is the perfect game plan:
First, commit to the classic excuse. Perfect your delivery of “I already got one last class” with the confidence of one who does not realize this the first five minutes of distribution. Veteran avoiders even claim they read it “cover to cover” that morning.
Next: agility training. Rumor has it one student joined track in order to perfect their agility, spending weeks preparing with backflips and sprint drills, only to cartwheel past a distributor in the nick of time-be like them. A back hand spring will do if you are only a meek freshy. Pro tip: height is less important than distance from the distributor.
Other options: Speed walking is always a viable contender if you are feeling low energy, make sure to only pick up the pass once you make eye contact with the distributor and swiftly dodge their outstretched arms.
For the more strategic folks, misdirection is key. Recruit a friend to dramatically spill all the continents out of their backpack or slip on a banana peel prompting the perfect diversion. While everyone clambers over to check on your friend you can slip away unnoticed. The trick is to convince everyone that your friend has a concussion so there is no possible way for them to be able to read the messenger, and therefore should not waste paper.
Lastly, if you are feeling picky and none of those meet your standard simply, close your eyes, cover your ears, and commit to the idea that if you can’t see them, they can’t see you.
Finally, remember even if you fail and end up with a Messenger, the real challenge is resisting the urge to immediately throw it in the recycling instead of garbage once it’s in your hands.
