Dear Dawgs,

Recently, I felt compelled to submit an application form for Masterchef auditions. I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into my cooking portfolio (literally), but when I was just about to click submit, I ran into a problem: I was applying for Masterchef Junior and the ACTUAL Masterchef audition was back in May. This is obviously a problem, as the cash prize is a measly $100,000 for Junior, whereas the Masterchef prize is $250,000. Now I have a decision to make: do I lie and say I’m 13 and under so I can compete in Junior or do I take the L and never meet my hero, American restaurateur Joe Bastianach? Help!

Sue Shef 

Dear Sue Shef,

First and foremost I must admit, coming into this I had no idea who Joe Bastianach was, but after extensive research and watching a Youtube compilation of 13 Times Joe Bastianach Blew up at ContestantsI can’t say I understand why you’re so enthused to meet him… Regardless, I recommend that you sneak into Masterchef Junior. Although the prize is only a small sum of 100,000 dollars, it’s better than nothing. In order to disguise yourself as a 13 year old I would start researching plastic surgeons in your area ASAP. Some information I’ve gathered from the grapevine is that botox and retinol are what’s hot and poppin’ in the beauty world right now. In order to look the most youthful, keep your facial range of motion to a minimum to prevent production of wrinkles :). Investing in a voice coach also might be worth considering. In order to personify a weasley tween you need to nail down the pre-puberty voice squeak. 

With Love,

Dawgs

Dear Dawgs,

What to do if  flip flop Friday is starting to mess with my head? Too many feet I can’t handle it, I just can’t seem to control myself around them. 

VenmoForFeet

Dear VenmoForFeet

I’m really glad you’ve reached out. Asking for help is always the hardest step. I know it may be difficult but I would exercise restraint on Flip Flop Friday, and once you’re in the confines of your own home maybe explore certain websites that actively encourage appreciation of feet. Unfortunately this is as far as my advice can go, this is outside my area of expertise. Please call this hotline number: 1-888-789-7499. 

Cautiously,

Dawgs