Dear Dawgs,

I was recently grading a Garfield senior’s AP Literature exam and they chose a rather odd “novel of literary merit” to write their prose essay on. For reference, here is a quote from their writing: “To conclude, the Very Hungry Caterpillar was, in fact, very hungry”. Now, I’ve seen everything from tic-tac-toe to social security numbers written in the AP booklets, but never would I expect to see a rainbow caterpillar rhetorically analyzed in all seriousness. What happened to Hamlet and Frankenstein? I mean, everybody actually reads those books in class, right? 

Sincerely, 

Distraught Grader

Dear Distraught Grader, 

In my opinion this is a great opportunity for some self-reflection. First off, was the student’s claim incorrect? I mean, the Very Hungry Caterpillar was very hungry… it’s in the name! It sounds to me like you’re too focused on the boring, old, “correct” version of English. Here at Garfield, students learn to think creatively and innovatively– in fact, the entire fall quarter is spent learning about rhetoric in Thomas the Train. You should seriously relax and go read a picture book, dude. 

Sincerely, 

Dawgs

Dear Dawgs,

I’m in a pickle. It’s bad man, idk what to do. I’ve been back and forth and just can’t seem to find a way out of this. I’m surrounded by idiots and I just– ugh– I don’t know how I manage to always end up in situations like this. Oh, boy, this is the worst pickle I’ve ever been stuck in. Just help me, okay? I just– just need help, okay?

Sincerely, 

Rick Sanchez

Dear Rick,

I’ve never heard of someone getting stuck inside of a pickle! Or, are you the pickle? I have so many questions, but I’m sure you don’t have time to explain. All I can say is that I really hope you didn’t make yourself into a pickle to avoid some serious relationship issues… There has to be some kind of antidote, right? Or maybe try therapy? Just don’t do anything else stupid, okay Rick?

Sincerely,

Dawgs